Last year my daughter was in kindergarten at a small private school. I cried dropping her off on the first day, and most days after that. When I was asked to be room mom, I didn’t hesitate to say YES YES YES!! I’ll have relationships with other moms, I’ll get to be involved, I can trick people into thinking I’m a stay at home super mom, steal some of the Capri suns I brought for class parties…It will be great, or so I thought.

Here are five reasons why you should never be Room Mom:

1. Other moms are perfectly fine with you doing everything yourself. I didn’t understand the reality of dropping your kid off and going to the gym, but apparently it’s the most important thing in the world. So while other moms were at the gym losing their baby weight, I was stuffing my face with cosmic brownies at the class party
2. Other moms don’t want to be friends with the Room Mom. If you think you will build long lasting friendships, that will result in play dates for your precious angel, think again. No one cares that you spent 3 hours making Oreo Balls and Reindeer Food with a cute little tag after working all night at the hospital the night before. No one. You get placed into a “those moms” category.
3. Women can be judgemental as hell. They don’t actually want to be the ones making the Oreo balls, but I can garuantee you they will judge yours. I once had a mom loudly proclaim that she would gladly donate money to the next party because “she works” (after we just finished having a conversation about how we both worked night shift). Well, good for you honey, that didn’t sound hateful at all.
4. Being room mom will help your party planning skills, thus giving you the false impression that you should now have parties for everything. If you already have a problem with the Target clearance section, being Room Mom is not for you. I’m pretty sure I have an entire closet in my house dedicated to storing items I thought I would use for parties. When someone needs to borrow ANYTHING, I have it. I plan on having a birthday party for both my dogs, and half birthdays for all three kids in the near future, because, why not? I can whip up a party in 15 minutes flat at this point.
5. Last but certainly not least, You will spend an unreasonable amount of time on the phone with parents who have THE BEST excuses for why they can’t attend a single school event. I get it, you work. I, myself, have a job and I’m here. Oh, you have another child? Hmmm. Me too, I have two under two actually. Still here. Maybe I just don’t get it, but I thought when you chose to reproduce, you also decided that your child MATTERS. I understand not being present all the time but these tiny humans are still humans. They notice when you aren’t there. So, if you feel like nothing is more important that your sweet little shit head, being Room Mom is not for you.